Emotional Punishments of a War
by Leigh Grash
Summary: How the war has affected Quatre in emotional ways. Involves self injury and what not. I hope you read and review and thanks!
1. Prologe

**_Prologue: Escape_**

The first time was the best. It was so freeing to have finally found a way to escape from the war. Even in your dreams you don't really escape. You will hear and see all

the victims that you have murdered. You try and ask for their forgiveness but you never receive it. That is the hardest thing to deal with, knowing that you will never receive

forgiveness from the dead. I thought I would lose my mind because of it. Thought I would crack like I had when I piloted Wing Zero. But it was the most bizarre, most curious

thing. I had just wanted to scream and scream until my voice was raw and I couldn't't scream anymore. It was something that I could never do because all the others would think

I truly had gone crazy.

On the floor lay the knife that had been given to me by my father. He had made it himself and it was beautifully crafted with rubies embedded in the handle. I picked this

beautiful weapon up and slowly ran it across my forearm. It was so sharp that it easily cut through my skin and the blood ran down and I was free. There were no voices. No

war. No pain. No sadness. Just this beautiful pain that helped to ease me from my suffering. This mesmerizing red river that traveled down my arm making its own path. I finally

found my escape...


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: I do not own the Gundam Wing characters or anything of the sort.

Chapter 1: Thrown Together

All five us stood in the hallway of the safe house. We hadn't wanted to come or be together, but it was necessary for the time being. Many of the upcoming missions would be taking place close by and we would need to be thoroughly prepared and scout out the area in advanced. It also seemed like we would be able to have a few days to ourselves before we truly had to become invested in the missions.

"Home sweet home." Dou said before making his way to the living room and flopping onto the couch.

"It is fairly nice…" I added before being cut off by Dou.

"For you it might be fair but for me it's a dream!" Dou laughed. I lowered my head at the comment. I wish I hadn't been born into the Winner family. I don't think any of them realized how much pressure I am under. They don't understand that with money comes many more prices then even they would ever know of.

"I'm finding a room." Heero simply stated and walked off. Trowa and Wufie followed. I didn't care if I slept in a closet. Sleeping was becoming harder to do these days anyway.

"Dou, why don't you pick a room?" I ask.

"All the good ones are taken but yeah I'll go find which rooms are left." With that he got up and left. I don't want to be here. I don't even want to fight, or do this mission. I don't want to see Trowa or be near him. He is a reminder of my mistakes, my weaknesses, and that monster that I had let consume when I piloted Wing Zero. I am just another horrible person who doesn't even deserve forgiveness. I just don't deserve much of anything.

"Quatre?" It was Trowa

"Yes? Have you found a room? I hope you have gotten a good one." I ask politely.

"Yes I have. The only room left is the one next to mine but the good news is that it is just two of us sharing a bathroom. I hope that is alright for you." I can't help but wonder if he thinks that since I have to share a bathroom, it is beneath me or something.

"That would be great. Thank you. I better go settle in." I rush up the stairs searching for the unoccupied room. When I find it I see that the room is modest and simple. I love it! It was cozy and homely in an odd way something that I never really had. Everything at home was pretty much like living in a museum. Cold, dark, and untouchable. I saw that the bathroom connected the two rooms which was also fine. I sat at the edge of the bed. I just want to be a kid, a normal boy, who goes to school and is in the band or sport team. Have friends and go out on weekends. Instead, I hear the voices of my victims crying out for their lost loved ones. Tears fall down my face. I am a wicked person. The voices grow deeper and louder. I clamp my hands to my ears but they don't stop. My hand reaches inside the bag for the knife. My sleeve is being rolled up and the knife is already making its way through me. Beauty. The pain takes me away and the blood hypnotizes me. But now, once is never enough. I do this four more times and each wound is deeper but allows me an even better escape...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2: Where Have All My Manners Gone?

When all is done I finally take in the scene. Blood is everywhere. On my shirt, hands, pants…FUCK even the bed! I try to clean up but as I clean it seems that the bleeding still hasn't stopped and keeps flowing. Trying to stop the bleeding with a bandage, it proves unsuccessful. Shit! I need to stop the bleeding. Oh god what if anyone sees. Worse, everything is started to slant. Is the room on a slope? Clean up! Get the blood cleaned and then worry about….Oh god why is the floor moving towards me so fast?

"Quatre?" It was Heero's voice

"Do you think we should take him to a hospital?" Dou's.

"I'm not sure. Where is the blood coming from?" Trowa's

"Quatre? Hey ,can you hear me? I think he is coming around." Heero's again

"Jesus there is a crap load of blood." Dou's

"Looks like he massacred something." Wufie's

"Kat? Come on open your eyes." Trowa's

"What…What is going on?" I manage to ask, I still couldn't figure out how to open my eyes.

"Quatre you need to open your eyes. Look at me." Heero demanded "If you don't then we are going to have to take you to the hospital."

I somehow pry my eyes open. The lights are sharp and bright. I am still on the floor but Heero has my head on his lap and Trowa is on my other side looking down at me. Dou is standing over me and Wufie seemed to be standing in the doorway.

"I'll get him some water." Wufie said and left.

"What happened? Why am on the floor? Why are you all standing over me. Get away! Leave me alone!" I'm shouting but I don't know why. I just don't want them here. Then I begin to remember what had happened fueling me even more.

"GETOUT! NOW!"

"Quatre we aren't leaving." Heero said back in his rather calm and expressionless voice.

"Go." I demanded as if I was that spoiled rich boy they all thought I was.

"Quatre what happened to your arm. Why are they so many cuts on them?" Dou asks. I look around helplessly and just start to cry. Trowa takes my hand and puts his other on my back to help me sit up. The room spins but I get it to stay in one place, before making an attempt to stand up. I just need to get into the bathroom and just think this all through. I need to just think. Yes, alone. As I stand my legs give out and Trowa and Dou grab me. Unforunately Dou grabbed my arm with the cuts and I scream out in bloody pain.

"Oh Quatre I am so sorry I didn't mean to. Oh you are bleeding again. Come on guys get him in bed and lets try and stop the bleeding. I again, pass out.

Waking up is never fun, not when you wish every time you go to sleep, you never wake up. All the images hit me again and I begin to feel afraid. If they saw and realized what I am doing they truly will hate me. Consider me weak. After the whole Wing Zero incident ,I am surprised any of them speak to me. I knew they thought I didn't deserve to still pilot a Gundam. Clearly, I am not good enough, not strong enough. I was weak and they all knew it. Trowa spoke to me but I could sense there was a hatred behind it like he was only being nice because he didn't want me to snap again. They had seen my arms. Hopefully, not my legs, but my god, they saw my arms.

"Quatre! Oh thank god you are awake. I didn't know! We were just debating bringing you to a hospital."

"Trowa? What do you know?" I had to ask because I had to know. If they knew then I would surely have to leave. Run back to my home, where I would pretend that all of this was some bizarre nightmare.

"Don't be afraid. It's understandable. We all need some way to cope with the war."

"But…"

"I am going to help you and so is everyone else. Please don't feel ashamed. We all have our own coping methods. I don't think they are the best but for now its what we have to do to make it till the end." Trowa's face was grave as he said this. I didn't fully understand what he was saying. They all cut too?

"The others cut?"

"Well no, not exactly. Dou does and Heero has to watch him because once he had nearly died of blood lose. Wufei will go days without water or food to prove he is real. It's rather odd but I think he needs to know that he is real he is human he needs the basics to survive like everyone else. Heero visit's the grave of everyone he has murdered and lays a rose." Trowa held my hand.

"What about you?"

"I have no way to cope. Which is my way of coping. I deny my actions but still am able to reflect upon them more as a third person perspective. For some reason I feel one day that coping with things that way will only make matters much worse."

"Trowa please go. I need to be alone. I need to…" cut.

"I know I should let you be alone and I should let you have your knife but I simply cannot. Please do not be mad. We just don't want to lose you." Trowa's voice sound so sad when he said this. "I am sorry. I don't mean to sound harsh but for sometime you can't be on your own."

"What?! Get the fuck out of here. I fucking will get up and fucking leave." Wow when have I inherited such a mouth!

"Calm down! Please calm down. It is only for a little bit. We just don't want you to do anything…"

"Anything what? Kill myself well I fucking will. I will get up and fucking walk out the fucking door. I will fucking jump out of the fucking window. You fucking…" I stand and am ready to make my way for the door when it opens. Dou and Heero both stand there staring at me as if I was completely different person.

"Guess he woke up." Dou joked. I stalk over to them to try and make my way to the door. Heero and Dou are both blocking my path. So I run over to the window and get ready to jump out of it before Trowa is grabbing my arm and Heero is grabbing my other arm. Both boys are holding me down and I am struggling to free myself.

"Get off me! I order you to get off me! Get off me. Get off me! Let me go!" I am crying now. The voices are calling for me again. "please I have to help them. I have to help them. I need them to stop." I am whimpering and all three of them are looking concerned as I cry out to the voices to please forgive me. I barely hear the others talking

"Who is he speaking to?" Dou

"I don't know." Trowa

"I think we need to sedate him." Heero

"Woah you think we should drug him?"Dou

"I don't want to but I think for the time being yes. He is completely out of it. If we want to try and figure this out before our mission begins then sedate him and we can get to work." Trowa

"I agree. I am gonna get the needle. Dou take my side and don't let up." Heero ran off

Please forgive me. I am so sorry I hurt you all. I want to help you. I want to help you and undo it but I can't. Please stop. Please. Crying and screaming and yelling and kicking. I need to escape. Let me escape! The two boys wouldn't give up and I really was now screaming. Heero ran back and grabbed my arm. I barely even noticed because the voices were growing louder. Screaming at me. Reminding me of my sins. Please. Please. Please let me…He stuck a needle in me.

"WHAT!?"

"Please. It will help you calm down Quatre. You need to calm down. Ok I promise you will be ok. I will be right here the entire time. Just calm down." Trowa tried to be reassuring but he didn't realize they would get me in my dreams. In my sleep they would just haunt me.

"No they are gonna get me!"

"No they won't this will make sure you don't dream ok? Just let the drug work. Let it help you relax."

I and do just that and for some short time I am free...


End file.
